Workings of a troubled mind.

Dear friends,

I'm sorry but i feel myself slipping into the "I don't wanna talk" mode again.

Pls do not hold it against me if I seem unresponsive or just plain rude..

I don't know why this is happening but hope it'll be over soon.

Thanks you all..

Love,
Kie

don't ask me what it means. i won't tell. and i'll most prob forget by the time i wake up.

yes, Kooshkins. i lubs you much .

Koosh has 4 kittens!

all male. guess Orange's sperm must have been really strong.

we were kinda hoping for some orange or ginger tabby kittens , but no such luck..
they all came out kinda black and white.

but they're adorable tho..
eldest is Phantom, cos he's got face markings like Phantom of the Opera's mask.
2nd is Penguin. he wears tux and sox.
3rd is Dots. 2 dots around the nose and socks.
and the runt of the litter.. Cow. he's got the most white and grey markings compared to his brothers. have a feeling he'll be a real sweetie. am keeping that one! heh.

am really sick right now. drippy, blocked nose, headache, hacking my lungs out. green phlegm etc etc.

and all i can worry about is if i can at least make it to the project coordination meeting on monday 10.30 am to introduce colleague who is taking over the project from me cos i'm going bonkers.

eveytime i have to take MC i fucking shit my pants in fear.

I spent many happy hours playing this game today!

http://www.freeonlinegames.com/fun-games/black-house.html

think i'll be back on anti depressants. can't take this shit.

can't focus on anything.

pls God. Help me get through this.

tired. very tired.

i'm so so scared i'm becoming boring and 1 dimensional.

nothing makes sense anymore. all i know is i need to earn more dough, and everything else just seems to fade away in my priority list. having fun makes me feel guilty, like i have no right to. i can't afford to . i should be doing something more productive and earning more somehow some way. but i know i can't keep this up.. wearing myself out, constantly tired.

so sick of not having a life but just struggling to survive. day by day, month by month.

depression is coming back. fuck it all. i'm screwed.

The truth will set you free.
girl, i implore you, give me the truth.
i can handle it.
the signs are way too obvious.
i search desperately for your saving grace
but your verbal fabrication falls through.
Do you take me for a fool?
truth hurts, but i'm masochistic.
Give me the truth.

today, i got molested by a thai tranny.

i was minding my own business walking in front of marriott as usual when this large group of ladyboys walked by me.. and then. one of them turned around and gave me the once over and started yabbering away at me in thai.

puzzled, i simply said i don't understand. she then proceeded to check out my jawline and prod my chest all the while jabbering to me in thai even though i had already clearly stated we don't speak the same language.

then out of no where she reached out and grabbed my nipple. then giggled and walked away.

in front of everybody at crossroads cafe.

i've not felt so violated since i was 16.

excuse me , i need to get over this traumatic experience now.

some days i wonder what if i had i had stayed on the straight and narrow? dressed girly, behaved feminine, finished tertiary education, got decent job, got bf, married etc etc etc. would i have been happier? or more miserable?

my cousin's 21st birthday party invite sits on my table. addressed to me & partner. i'm still deciding if i should RSVP. =/

slightly envious. on my 21st i was sitting in my rented room, on the tilam on the floor sobbing my eyes out cos my gf was out cheating on me with an old man, parents refused to bother with me cos i was gay and left home(to preserve my life and sanity), and i was broke and trying to juggle 2 part time jobs and school at ITE(which wasn't working out too good).

bleh. i hate feeling this resentment bubbling up like black tar within me. its slow sticky,gloopy bubbles staining every organ and emotion with envy,jealousy and regret when they pop at the surface.

been longing to go laze on the beach under the sweltering sun.. too many ppl have remarked that i'm so pale i could pass for goth with some eyeliner/could glow in the dark/look sickly.

i want i want i want. SUN. good old vitamin D. and to splash and play in the sea. to swim out to the net barrier at Palawan beach and have my friends scream at me to come back to shore before i drown myself. and get all sticky and sandy then grumble and complain about sand in my shorts. to laugh at my zebra tan lines when i take my shower.

come to think of it.. i just want to smile and laugh and talk cock and do ridiculous things with my friends and gf. just be carefree and not tired, not think about money or bills or work or to do lists. just for a few hours.

maybe this sunday, maybe not. just remembered have malay wedding to attend.

soon. i hope, soon.

i'm officially starting to hate my job. and with it, myself as well.

26 fucking years on this planet and still absolutely NOTHING to show for it.

if singapore has a deconstruction industry could somebody pls pls pls pls pls get me into it? i think its the only thing i'd be really good at. breaking things. removing things. smashing stuff. hell yeah i'd be awesome.

oh and sendmehatemail, i don't get to be grumpy on the job. i wish.
sometimes i really wonder what the fuck i got myself into when i decided to join this company.

i'm such a whiny bitch. somebody shoot me pls.

i am so fucked up.

i hate it when ppl brush what i say aside or cut me off mid sentence.
do i not even matter enough to be fucking heard? its rare enough that i feel that i have something to say, would it kill to just let me finish? to take me seriously?

sometimes i feel so damn small,insignificant and unimportant. =(

maybe i've finally come to that age where i want to be respected. to be taken seriously and not have the party boi image anymore.

i am human. i am here. and i demand some goddamn respect.

ARGH!

on a slightly different note, i hurt inside.
it hurts tt you know what i need but you don't/can't give it.
that you have no faith in yourself that you won't break my heart, that you have no faith in us. and tt's causing me to lose faith too.

i know i'm not exactly the best choice for a partner, but i will give my best to you in exchange for the real you. it hurts to know you weren't being yourself for the 1st month we were together, makes me wonder if what we have is nothing but a farce and fallacy.. that i'm bound to get my heart broken yet again.

i'm sick of changing partners.. and i want to make it through my life with you.. for better or worse. but you gotta give me something to hang on to. i can't hang my hopes and dreams on phantom hooks only to have them shatter when they hit the jagged rocks of reality again.

girl, you've been hurt. i know. but i've been hurt too. you don't deserve to bear the sins of my past lovers. and i don't deserve that either.

I'm in love with a girl who knows me better
Fell for the woman just when I met her
Took my sweet time when I was bitter
Someone understands
Cause she knows how to treat a fella right
Give me that feeling every night
Wants to make love when I wanna fight
Now someone understand me
I'm in love with a girl

finally. someone who understands me. maybe too soon to say but for now. i'm happy. really happy. 
working hard on my career, got a great girl who treats me right, friends who love me and look out for me. what more can i ask for? =)

yet somehow , i feel guilty for feeling so happy when my friends like bratzilla, clairebear, missy, mikey, twinny and feefee are feeling so down. but i know i can't help much except for being there to listen and advise.  shoulders are also available for crying on anytime. 

i love all you guys, tho i know i don't show it much. i don't know how. =(  depression robbed me of interpersonal skillz yo.

finally accepted that she is gone.

my world's been bled grey, its Technicolour splendour drips and pools at my feet.

Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question

                                                                                 "do you have ADHD?"