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depression.again.

May. 20th, 2013 | 10:58 am
mood: blahblah

depressed again. too depressed to generate any words of my own, so here's what i managed to scrounge off somebody else's blog abt depression. the feelings are startlingly similar, so i figured why not. Credits for the actual words and pictures go to Allie Brosh of hyperbole and a half.

"The beginning of my depression had been nothing but feelings, so the emotional deadening that followed was a welcome relief. I had always wanted to not give a fuck about anything. I viewed feelings as a weakness — annoying obstacles on my quest for total power over myself. And I finally didn't have to feel them anymore.

But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck. Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don't feel very different.

I tried to get out more, but most fun activities just left me existentially confused or frustrated with my inability to enjoy them. "

On how it feels to interact with normal ppl..

"At first, I'd try to explain that it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is.

But people want to help. So they try harder to make you feel hopeful and positive about the situation. You explain it again, hoping they'll try a less hope-centric approach, but re-explaining your total inability to experience joy inevitably sounds kind of negative; like maybe you WANT to be depressed. The positivity starts coming out in a spray — a giant, desperate happiness sprinkler pointed directly at your face. And it keeps going like that until you're having this weird argument where you're trying to convince the person that you are far too hopeless for hope just so they'll give up on their optimism crusade and let you go back to feeling bored and lonely by yourself.

It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared."

And right now its just this..

"............I noticed myself wishing that nothing loved me so I wouldn't feel obligated to keep existing.

Yet there I was, casually wishing that I could stop existing in the same way you'd want to leave an empty room or mute an unbearably repetitive noise.

dead

The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless bullshit."

so yeah. tt's pretty much it. all feels hopeless and pointless right now. n i sorta am wishing that nobody loved me so i could have permission to die and not hurt anybody by dying. but i know there are ppl who love me and my cat loves me. and depends on me for poo cleaning and feeding so dying is not an option. its not that i love cat more than ppl, its just that.. ppl have other ppl, but cat has only me. i know my gf loves me loads n i love her more than i can say, but at the same time i can't talk to her because i know it'll make her upset. so all i can do is shut up. just have a nice big cup of shut the fuck up, with a side of smile n pretend nothing's wrong n nothing hurts inside.

im tired of explaining myself to ppl, i've lost most of my desire to talk. really. every time i have to talk to somebody it feels like i have to take an imaginary crow bar to my mouth n electrocute my tongue to make the words, which i'm incredibly paranoid will be the wrong words, or put together wrongly, and will be either hurtful, or rude, or politically incorrect, just wrong somehow on some level.

I just want to be useful, n earn a salary i can actually live on. but this math, this paper chase, this inability to find work, the relationship issues which im tired of being the only one who seems to want to fix, the car i need to somehow get the $ to repair,the bills ive no $ to pay. it just seems like so much bullshit. 10 yrs ago i was facing these same problems, 10 yrs later still the same shitty problems. everybody else has moved on up to better things, but me.

well,enough whining. time to go send out some more resumes and hope i get an interview, or even better, a job.

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Money or the lack thereof.

Apr. 5th, 2013 | 02:48 pm
location: Singapore, Kampong Kebun Baharu, Serangoon Garden Estate

Tired of receiving hand outs from my girl.. It's very sweet of her I know but still.. I hate having to take it.

Trying desperately to find a job as long as it permits me to attend school.

Sometimes, I wonder why am I trying so hard for? I already know I'm complete rubbish at maths. Yet I still went into this. Feel like just fucking it all and go back to getting a job, working shifts. Just so I don't have to ask other ppl for money. I might not earn much but at least what I earn I can spend as I like. But I can't give up, cos she paid for school as well.

Had to ask my aunt to release dad's funds, under his orders, to me to pay for car servicing, n received rudeness. Not my money, not my orders, still I get crap.

May just end up working at mcd. If they'll take me. Zomg how sad is it if even McDonald's doesn't wanna hire a fool like me.

Thinking of a nice sandy beach.. Just getting in and swimming away.. I wonder how far I can swim before I drown, or get eaten?

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(no subject)

Oct. 21st, 2012 | 11:06 pm

not gnna be here much anymore. maybe once in a while to rant. all pte tho.

good bye.

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Flibber flabber

Oct. 20th, 2012 | 07:06 pm

Sometimes I wish we could buy our feelings from a vending machine and discard the ones we don't want as easily as used paper cups.

I don't wanna feel this way anymore.
Just wanna be numb.

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Crash n burn

Jun. 19th, 2012 | 12:53 pm

Wish I could turn my emotions off. Volume set at max, earphones in. Trying to drown out the voices in my head. Itching to draw blood. Right now doesn't matter if it's mine or some unfortunate fucker who rubs me the wrong way.

Why God , did u make me so fucking fat and repulsive? Why am I so fucked up?

Food is suddenly a waste of time and money.

Indeed it is the tortured who torture, the wounded who lash out and hurt.

Feeling reckless and destructive.
Give me something to break.

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Naturally.

May. 1st, 2012 | 12:56 pm
mood: depressed
music: the voices in my head

Getting more n more depressed day by day.
She doesn't know n I doubt if she gives a shit.

The loneliness is gnawing away at me like a rat on cocaine.

Fuck this shit. I'm going drinking tonight.

Alone again. Naturally.

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Hurt

Feb. 13th, 2011 | 04:11 am
music: Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today,
to see if I still feel.
I focus on the pain,
the only thing that's real.
The needle tears a hole,
the old familiar sting.
Try to kill it all away,
but I remember everything.
What have I become?
My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know,
goes away in the end.
And you could have it all,
my empire of dirt.

I will let you down,
I will make you hurt.

I wear this crown of thorns,
upon my liar's chair.
Full of broken thoughts,
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time,
the feelings disappear.
You are someone else.
I am still right here.

What have I become?
My sweetest friend.
Everyone I know,
goes away in the end.
And you could have it all,
my empire of dirt.

I will let you down.
I will make you hurt.

If I could start again,
a million miles away.
I would keep myself.
I would find a way.
 

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(no subject)

Feb. 9th, 2011 | 11:24 pm

i clicked "post" cos i had a ton of stuff on my mind to unoad.

the minute the page loaded i have nothing i wanna put down anymore.

FML.

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Dream

Feb. 8th, 2011 | 12:53 am
mood: confusedconfused

last night i had the trippiest dream..

a geisha assassin was gonna kill LKY. and i was her partner in crime. except i was all Manga-ish.

boy manga-ish. not tt much of a difference really, in anime even the boys look like girls, just that they don't have huge tits.

we mission impossibled our way through his mansion. then just as she was about to take incriminating photos of him having gay buttsecks, the scene changed to bollywood.

and Dory and Jana were doing indian courtship dance in the botanical gardens, there were a few swans involved in the choreography.

and then i was at a rave in god knows where. hot white rave chicks all around me. a buffet table of party drugs

flashing lights. thumping music. spinning head. weightlessness. happiness almost within reach..

then, i "woke up". and reality lay outside my plexiglass cocoon. tethered to the blue planet by some mechanical arm. i was alone with my thoughts. deafening silence. deep dark space as far as my eyes could see.

i can't leave, but i can't stand my own company anymore. i kick the glass till it implodes on me.

i died as gobs of bloody meat. but somewhere within those globs, i remembered i smiled.

then i woke up for real and had to go to work. =/

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pox.

Jan. 10th, 2011 | 01:42 pm

am thoroughly annoyed that chicken pox bubbles appear around my ears and on my scalp. damn irritating la!

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